Stop Being Anxious

There were times in my life when things were so bad  .. multi-level bad - that I felt paralyzed from being so hemmed in. There was nothing that I could see to do, be, say, ask for, pray about or in any other way move toward that wasn't blocked off from someone, something, or, some circumstance.

All I could do is sit, try to pray, and, write in my notebook, over and over, "stop being anxious", or, for variety, sometimes, I would make it, "don't be anxious".  Sufficient for each day is its own badness, for sure. Sometimes, that days badness is good enough to last a lifetime, and, it is connected to yesterday's badness, last week's badness, and, one can see a revisit from last month's badness on the horizon, with badness in some new form thrown in just for good measure. Not to mention how it reflects on and highlights all the badnesses that have come before it. Or, if not all, the major events that mash together in one's mind to make it a "bad life".

Q. What's your problem?  A. Life.  <--- I've had that conversation. Guess what I was often told. Go on! Guess!

Was it, A) I'm not sure what that means, but, would you like to talk about it? B) Everyone has bad things happen to them. You're just a whiner. C) You must be crazy. Everyone knows you had a good life and nothing really had ever happened in your life. D) You are just overly sensitive  E) Oh, I know all about that. Let me tell you what happened to me! or F) Why don't you do something to fix it? (topped by advice that can't possibly be followed) ? 

One thing for sure, it was never A).

No one really knows me much at all. Some people know some parts of me very well. Primarily, because, my life has been insanely weird and hard, and, no one wants to know that. They do not want to believe that. It would be easier to believe I am mentally unbalanced, lying, overly dramatic, making jokes or just saying things to seek attention. < -- All true, by worldly standards.  Thanks to the fog of Fibromyalgia, it's often even true of myself.

Enter Jehovah, by way of Jesus and his bringing up that sufficient for each day is its own badness and the command - not random lacklustre advice, but, actual command - to stop being anxious. In Luke chapter 22, he gives this command at least twice, during quite a bit of talk as to why we should not be anxious.

However, Jehovah's spirit did not only speak to us through Jesus as King or as the man who would be king. There were others. I mean, even what we know about that Jesus said was written down by another man that was inspired by Jehovah God. So, this command to stop being anxious is the part of the Bible that I happen to think of most during bad and stressful times, but, not the only time we are told not to be anxious.

In Isaiah 41:10 Jehovah God says not to be anxious, couched in a promise. There is a beautiful article, Do Not Be Anxious, For I Am Your God, which examines this promise and helps one to understand it more fully.

Sometimes, this is all that helped me. No human ear could listen , there was no eartlhy comfort. There was no praying and finding comfort in that, because, I was so wracked with loneliness, oppression, actual fear for my life, self-loathing, or, whatever was going on - maybe all of them, on some days - that I couldn't even still my mind enough to connect to Jehovah God in that way. Not even my human ear could listen, as it wasn't going to hear anything helpful that would get it and th rest of me out of that situation.

So, I wrote "stop being anxious" or some facsimile thereof, and, I cried, usually, and made false starts on prayers, and, wrote it some more, until, at least, I could pray for help in not being anxious.

Sometimes, that's all we have.

Good thing Jehovah gave us a book and a few million people who like to go around talking about it, reading it outloud to others and such as that, then. Even when those imperfect people are part of the problem, they can still be part of the solution. If one listens to good advice, when one has it.

It would be nice to have someone human and who loves Jehovah God to sit down with and discuss the madness of my life. It would help me to feel more a part of their society. But, I am not the first of Jehovah's servants who was misunderstood, even by rather good persons, or, whom was surrounded by weirdness and insanity and strife. Therefore, I am also not the first to discover that , however often it is disappointing to have no real companions of the human variety to connect with on a deep level, where they know you and accept you anyway and expect good for and from you, it doesn't really matter in the long run.

Because, this is not the long run. This is the short run and in this short run, which is almost over, Jehovah God knows those who allow him to do so. Jehovah God is the long run. He and his purpose and those who choose to dwell within that purpose, so to speak.

He knows me. He is my friend.  Eventually, everyone alive will be known by him, fully and deeply and voluntarily. Within that long run, once all the chips, cracks and deep distresses are fixed in our psyches, there will be friends of the human type.

I know this is true. I have had plenty of proof in my life that the Bible contains the truth, and, the Bible says there will be no more sorrow. Jehovah will wipe out every tear from our eyes. No more suffering. Well, what do you think loneliness is? Or, what is it to remember the fetid past, whether it is something awful done by or to us?

When the world acts the way the world so often does and a new badness comes sweeping in, an old badness lurches back into view, or, they just lurk in the recesses of my mind and I look around to find no one with which to share my anxiety, thanks to the Holy Scripures and those who try to live by them, I know the best thing to do is through the anxiety out and search for the One not seen.

It's just that on some days, much like scraping the contents of a plate into the trash , old things stick more and it takes a lot of effort to get rid of them or there is a lot to remove that is fresh and needs a bit more planning on how to remove it.

Either way, living water is bound to get the dirt off.

The end.

What do I want out of life?

I want to be a person with such positivity - real, honest, very seldom met positivity- and equilibrium, such a state of health and fitness - not showy, bulging muscles or preening, overly-sexualized fitness -that it makes other people uncomfortable, while drawn to me in wonder.

This is not ego. This is not about building a fan base, or, feeling special. I have met a few persons who were healthy and calm individuals, of such a nature, and, I loved them. That's all. One of them was very inwardly shiny, to the point where the sister I was studying with, at the time, told me, preparing me to meet him soon, "And, no, he is not one of the annointed. People always think he is, because ... well, you'll see." 

He actually glowed with health. I am thinking, now, that he was someone who fasted. Yes, it could have been the holy spirit, but, I think, if so, it is more that the holy spirit encouraged him to fast, either directly or indirectly; because, I have seen some who are annointed, and, they do not glow like he did. And, because, I have seen people who had a very good bit of fasting, who were very calm and much shinier people than they used to be.

I want to be able to walk like I used to, but, with more enjoyment of the journey, instead of it being a way to do something other than sit or lay and moan in pain. Instead of it being a way to work out the stress built up by pain, physical and emotional, in the hopes of being able to sleep, at least a little.

I am writing this, because, somewhere, in one of the books I was reading on health, the subject of "Why are you fat?" was brought up again, but, in a different format. Instead of saying, "What is wrong with you?" it was more, "What do you want to be right with you?"  As in, "What is your motivation - the joy you will receive out of your efforts - to change your life for the better."

Because, whether you are talking about reading the Bible or attending meetings, or, eating more salads, or, breaking up with someone abusive, or, whatever it is, no matter how likely it is that it should make your life better, you have to know it will and feel it will. Because, fear motivates in sparse spurts, in-between bouts of depression, remorse, panic or other negatives. FInd your joy, and, you can work your change.

I want to walk to the grocery store, whether it is the one approximately 1 mile away or the one that is  more like 7 miles away, to get what fresh veggies and fruits (mainly) that I need for the next few days, and, come home feeling challenged, perhaps, but, not broken. Maybe making a meal afterward, or, maybe eating some of the fruits and veggies along the way. Or, both.

Doesn't matter.

I want to do the things that "weirdos" do. Like, long-term fasting. Mono-eating. Only eating one meal a day, or, one meal every three days. Just because.

I want to walk so much and work my feet into such a properly calloused state that I won't have to worry about if my hiking boots can last 1,000 miles - which, by the way, ALL hiking boots should be able to last walking at least 10 miles a day for at least 1.5 years, so, what's that about? - because, on most days, I won't be wearing them.

This is while I am walking some long trail, mind you, and, keeping my hiking boots near me, in case of ants or running into exceedingly cooler temperatures.

But, mostly, the reason I want to be like this is so that I can get up every morning, get cleaned up, exercised, write some on my blog or book, or, paint, and, all that sort of thing; and, get my studying done, go out in service, even if it means walking to some place a good clip away; get home, get dressed, do my wage work or more studying, and/or get ready and go to the meeting. Or, maybe even walk to the meeting, throughout the day, being out in service along the way. Coming home. Going to bed at a reasonable hour of 10 p.m. or so, and, joyfully, energetically, doing it all again, the next day and the next day and every other day, until we have a different life to live.

Serving Jehovah is the greatest joy, most important work, highest motivator for change. But, it still helps to focus on the particulars of what I want out of life, how life would work, with that in mind.

What about you?

What do you want out of life? What would make you happy? Not giddy, lustful, satisfied for the moment, less sad; but, truly happy. Why don't you have it? And, how are you going to get it?

Abraham and Isaac

This week we are studying Genesis, chapters 22 and 23. This is a very controversial section of Genesis, especially, Genesis 22:10. Which makes it also a great point of learning more about Jehovah God, by, instead of exclaiming "Why!" and turning your face from him, asking, "Why?" and listening to him.

There are three things I have learned about the events that transpired in Genesis, chapter 22.  For those who claim that Jehovah's Witnesses brainwash people into their way of thinking, let me assure you that I learned some of this by studying on my own, before I became one of Jehovah's Witnesses. In fact, before I ever felt even mildly accepted and was able to find someone to study with long enough to feel I had become even somewhat a part of any congregation.

And, because, of those who claim that Jehovah's Witnesses bible studies are tools of indoctrination and not meant as tools of learning at all, let me assure you that I, already knowing what I believed was true, learned more deeply why it was true, or, where I had genuinely misunderstood, why I had, in a way that was backed up by facts from the holy scriptures, and, other sources of learning, including quotes from scientists, theologians of different denominations, historians, etc. Though, in this particular case, Genesis, chapter 22, it was mostly me studying on my own and doing so with the right motivation of wanting to learn and to be obedient to Jehovah God. 

So, now that we have gotten all that out of the way, let me tell you what Jehovah God has helped me to see, as I willingly studied on my own, both with and without the prompting of materials proferred through his organization. Please?

1. Genesis, chatper 22 is a foreshadowing of the death of Jesus. The son of a beloved father, who did no wrong, who will one day be the leader of millions, sacrificed. The pain of a father who, knowing that his son will rise again, having to initiate the sacrifice and see his son die.

In my initial understanding of this, I saw it as being Jehovah God saying, "I have promised to do this for you, to save all who believe. Show me that you will do the same. Show me your belief. That there is a man, there was a man, who believed in me enough to show that the dreadful sacrifice I must make to save mankind is going to be worth his life."  And, I still stand by it. I believe this was and is part of the lesson.

2.  Which means it is also about obedience and faith. Somewhat as a separate issue. Abraham knew what he was promised would happen with Isaac. If someone told you that your son would become a man who would do this and that - someone who could make it happen - and, then, told you to kill him before he had done any of it, would you think that someone had reneged on his promises? Would you think that someone was a person who grossly misrepresented themselves? Even if you believed, still, in their promise, would you say, "No. This is too much. There is a limit to what you can ask me?"  How much faith do you have? How far do you want Jehovah God to go for you? How far are you willing to go for Jehovah God?

3. Genesis, chapter 22 is a both a foreshadowing of what will come and a review of what has been. The clue is in vers 2 and, again, in verse 12.  Is Isaac the only son of Abraham?

Last week, we were studying Genesis, chapters  20 and 21.  Wherein Abraham already had a son born to him of his wife's handmaiden; or, servant girl, if you prefer.  That son was named Ishmael. The how and why of this child being made is told of in chapters 16 -19. Well, mostly in 16 and 17, but, if you read chapters 20 and 21, too, you are probably going to want at least from 16-19 beforehand, for context.  I'll just give you the link to Genesis, to make things more simple.

The foreshadowing is not just of Jesus' death, but, also his life, his place in the scheme of things before and after his death and his relative position to the other son, who was and is, but, is not. 

What? ???

Bear with me.

Ishmael, like Adam, was a son. Not the son promised to the woman who was unlikely to be bearing a child. Not the son for the fulfillment of a need.  But, a son and a beloved son. Who. ike Adam was sent away from his father for his own bad behavior. Whereas, Isaac was a child promised, a person to fulfill a need. He was the beloved child. Who remained beloved because of his own good qualities.

So, we see in Ishmael and Isaac, a smaller version of what occurs when Jesus is sacrificed and truly becomes the second Adam.

Isaac proved his faith and obedience that day, too.

This is what I have learned.

I welcome all sincere questions.  I am not promising I can answer all of them, especially without research; but, I do welcome them.

Have a lovely day!