There were times in my life when things were so bad .. multi-level bad - that I felt paralyzed from being so hemmed in. There was nothing that I could see to do, be, say, ask for, pray about or in any other way move toward that wasn't blocked off from someone, something, or, some circumstance.
All I could do is sit, try to pray, and, write in my notebook, over and over, "stop being anxious", or, for variety, sometimes, I would make it, "don't be anxious". Sufficient for each day is its own badness, for sure. Sometimes, that days badness is good enough to last a lifetime, and, it is connected to yesterday's badness, last week's badness, and, one can see a revisit from last month's badness on the horizon, with badness in some new form thrown in just for good measure. Not to mention how it reflects on and highlights all the badnesses that have come before it. Or, if not all, the major events that mash together in one's mind to make it a "bad life".
Q. What's your problem? A. Life. <--- I've had that conversation. Guess what I was often told. Go on! Guess!
Was it, A) I'm not sure what that means, but, would you like to talk about it? B) Everyone has bad things happen to them. You're just a whiner. C) You must be crazy. Everyone knows you had a good life and nothing really had ever happened in your life. D) You are just overly sensitive E) Oh, I know all about that. Let me tell you what happened to me! or F) Why don't you do something to fix it? (topped by advice that can't possibly be followed) ?
One thing for sure, it was never A).
No one really knows me much at all. Some people know some parts of me very well. Primarily, because, my life has been insanely weird and hard, and, no one wants to know that. They do not want to believe that. It would be easier to believe I am mentally unbalanced, lying, overly dramatic, making jokes or just saying things to seek attention. < -- All true, by worldly standards. Thanks to the fog of Fibromyalgia, it's often even true of myself.
Enter Jehovah, by way of Jesus and his bringing up that sufficient for each day is its own badness and the command - not random lacklustre advice, but, actual command - to stop being anxious. In Luke chapter 22, he gives this command at least twice, during quite a bit of talk as to why we should not be anxious.
However, Jehovah's spirit did not only speak to us through Jesus as King or as the man who would be king. There were others. I mean, even what we know about that Jesus said was written down by another man that was inspired by Jehovah God. So, this command to stop being anxious is the part of the Bible that I happen to think of most during bad and stressful times, but, not the only time we are told not to be anxious.
In Isaiah 41:10 Jehovah God says not to be anxious, couched in a promise. There is a beautiful article, Do Not Be Anxious, For I Am Your God, which examines this promise and helps one to understand it more fully.
Sometimes, this is all that helped me. No human ear could listen , there was no eartlhy comfort. There was no praying and finding comfort in that, because, I was so wracked with loneliness, oppression, actual fear for my life, self-loathing, or, whatever was going on - maybe all of them, on some days - that I couldn't even still my mind enough to connect to Jehovah God in that way. Not even my human ear could listen, as it wasn't going to hear anything helpful that would get it and th rest of me out of that situation.
So, I wrote "stop being anxious" or some facsimile thereof, and, I cried, usually, and made false starts on prayers, and, wrote it some more, until, at least, I could pray for help in not being anxious.
Sometimes, that's all we have.
Good thing Jehovah gave us a book and a few million people who like to go around talking about it, reading it outloud to others and such as that, then. Even when those imperfect people are part of the problem, they can still be part of the solution. If one listens to good advice, when one has it.
It would be nice to have someone human and who loves Jehovah God to sit down with and discuss the madness of my life. It would help me to feel more a part of their society. But, I am not the first of Jehovah's servants who was misunderstood, even by rather good persons, or, whom was surrounded by weirdness and insanity and strife. Therefore, I am also not the first to discover that , however often it is disappointing to have no real companions of the human variety to connect with on a deep level, where they know you and accept you anyway and expect good for and from you, it doesn't really matter in the long run.
Because, this is not the long run. This is the short run and in this short run, which is almost over, Jehovah God knows those who allow him to do so. Jehovah God is the long run. He and his purpose and those who choose to dwell within that purpose, so to speak.
He knows me. He is my friend. Eventually, everyone alive will be known by him, fully and deeply and voluntarily. Within that long run, once all the chips, cracks and deep distresses are fixed in our psyches, there will be friends of the human type.
I know this is true. I have had plenty of proof in my life that the Bible contains the truth, and, the Bible says there will be no more sorrow. Jehovah will wipe out every tear from our eyes. No more suffering. Well, what do you think loneliness is? Or, what is it to remember the fetid past, whether it is something awful done by or to us?
When the world acts the way the world so often does and a new badness comes sweeping in, an old badness lurches back into view, or, they just lurk in the recesses of my mind and I look around to find no one with which to share my anxiety, thanks to the Holy Scripures and those who try to live by them, I know the best thing to do is through the anxiety out and search for the One not seen.
It's just that on some days, much like scraping the contents of a plate into the trash , old things stick more and it takes a lot of effort to get rid of them or there is a lot to remove that is fresh and needs a bit more planning on how to remove it.
Either way, living water is bound to get the dirt off.
The end.
Showing posts with label anxiety. Show all posts
Showing posts with label anxiety. Show all posts
Friday, April 24, 2020
Wednesday, September 5, 2018
Learning to live in simplicity
Today, I should be going out in service. By "should",I mean "want to", and, also, "cannot", with a "partially due to my own stupidity,which I am very tired of." tacked onto the end of the sentence.
I am baptized as one of Jehovah's Witnesses. I know rather a lot about Jehovah God, Jesus, the Bible, etc., despite my poor memory. Yet, since I was baptized (at the beginning of July), I have learned that there is so much I still do not really know. To wit, I thought I was putting a lot more trust in Jehovah than I was.
When I realized I was wrong about this, I also realized that I have to learn how to trust. And, the only way to learn how is to do.
Let me tell you the specifics of this particular realization. Let's start out with some scriptures.
Matthew 13:22 As for the one sown among the thorns, this is the one hearing the word, but the anxiety of this system of things+and the deceptive power of riches* choke the word, and it*becomes unfruitful.
Proverbs 12: 25 Anxiety in a man’s heart weighs it down, But a good word cheers it up.
Luke 21:34 “But pay attention to yourselves that your hearts never become weighed down with overeating and heavy drinking and anxieties of life, and suddenly that day be instantly upon you 35 as a snare.+ For it will come upon all those dwelling on the face of the whole earth. 36 Keep awake, then, all the time making supplication+ that you may succeed in escaping all these things that must occur and in standing before the Son of man.”
And, most importantly,for the subject at hand:
Matthew 6:25 “On this account I say to you: Stop being anxious about your lives as to what you will eat or what you will drink, or about your bodies as to what you will wear. Does not life mean more than food and the body than clothing? 26 Observe intently the birds of heaven; they do not sow seed or reap or gather into storehouses, yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not worth more than they are? 27 Who of you by being anxious can add one cubit to his life span? 28 Also, why are you anxious about clothing? Take a lesson from the lilies of the field, how they grow; they do not toil, nor do they spin; 29 but I tell you that not even Solʹo·mon in all his glory was arrayed as one of these. 30 Now if this is how God clothes the vegetation of the field that is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will he not much rather clothe you, you with little faith? 31 So never be anxious and say, ‘What are we to eat?’ or, ‘What are we to drink?’ or, ‘What are we to wear?’ 32 For all these are the things the nations are eagerly pursuing. Your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things. 33 “Keep on, then, seeking first the Kingdom and his righteousness, and all these other things will be added to you. 34 So never be anxious about the next day, for the next day will have its own anxieties. Each day has enough of its own troubles.
Well, I have, at least at times, been really trying to follow this advice. I cut down quite a bit on all sorts of anxiety and put more trust in Jehovah. But, I found that when it comes to the worrying about what I am to eat, I fail miserably on not being anxious.
I have a lot of allergies. I am also quite poor. Besides these, I have quite a few health problems. Funnily enough, mostly from chronic symptoms due to lifelong, continual bouts of extreme stress. Due to all of this, I have quite a bit of trouble in not being anxious.
But, that is not an excuse for the way in which I have been anxious. Because, there are three kinds of anxiety I have been engaging in, which could be easily avoided by turning to Jehovah and throwing my anxiety upon him, which are not alleviated, because, I don't really do that, at least not correctly/thoroughly.
Psalm 55: 22 Throw your burden on Jehovah And he will sustain you Never will he allow the righteous one to fall.
The three ways I fail to do this, with regard to eating are:
1) Feeling left out of fun food. You know, when there is a gathering of brothers and sisters that is a potluck, or, a chance to go get some tasty food at a restaurant, or, to get a piece of really quality candy; and,in my case, this almost always involves things I really just shouldn't be eating.
I tend to fail at not being anxious over missing out or in being different because:
a) I really am so poor and I do worry about turning down things and then not having food later, and, having this lack of acceptance of what was freely offered being thrown back in my face, later. Even if that unpleasantness doesn't happen, there is still the going home and having no food, though.
b) I hate making people feel uncomfortable It seems better to make myself uncomfortable than to make them feel bad for having offered things that they now think I am offended by, or not joining in, or, by them having to eat while I sit there.
c)Simple selfishness combined with sadness. I have spent most of my life thinking of others and not being thought of by others, except by way of being considered too poor, ugly, short, fat, Alaskan, or,in some other way undesirable to associate with. I was the youngest child.I almost never got anything and when I did it was usually from the dump or as a worn-out hand-me-down. So,you know,sometimes, I put undue worth on these special treats.
This can also include having any money and living near a store where there are cheap "treats" that seem like a better choice for filling one up than the little bit of healthy food that can be avoided. And, knowing other people want coffee,so, for some reason, drinking it with them, even though - most of the time -I don't even want it for any other reason.
2)Because of my allergies and gut issues, because of my abdomen that didn't shrink near as much as the rest of me when I lost a lot of weight,I tend to obsess over strategies: things to include, things to avoid, supplements, when to eat, food combining, etc. Then, I realize that,while I do need to avoid some things for now (and, I don't necessarily know what all those are), this is like making unclean the things that Jehovah God has made clean. Then,I have a major bout of illness and go crazy, trying to figure out how never to have that happen, all over again.
3)Running out of food. Which is easy to do when one is poor.
Now,all these have some overlap. Quite frankly, if I made better choices,I'd be less likely to run out of food. And, if I didn't run out of food, I would be more likely to make better choices. And, if I made better choices for my own needs, so that I could serve Jehovah better, then, I would not be so influenced by the desires of people who are not Jehovah.
Also, this is a truly sad thing to know, but ... I have some experience with fasting. I have done intermittent fasting for various lengths of time, with and without alleged ketogenic eating. I have done some not entirely voluntary extended fasting, water fasting, dry fasting. I know I can fast. But, I get stuck on, "What should I be doing when the fast is over?" and "But, I don't want to waste the food that is here,which will go bad while I am fasting." or"What will ....eat, when I am fasting?"
All of it is unnecessary anxiety.
Over the last few days, starting this Monday (today is Wednesday) after listening to an inspirational talk on subjects related to what I am speaking of here,I have removed many superfluous things from both my physical and mental life, which had been impinging upon my spiritual progress.
Artwork, writing. Things that mean a lot to other people and are all about self-expression and entertaining and which are held up as worthy pursuits by the world. And, no, I don't mean I quit all of it, altogether. I mean, here I am, writing. But, I threw out all the old material which would have taken countless hours to put to right after all the rude things people did to it,if I ever wanted to make it viable to sell.
During that time, however, I ate the sort of pizza that gets set outside of a nearby not-so-high quality pizza place, due to being slightly burnt or whatever, because, we were almost out of food and my son brought it home.
Now, this is the point where you say, "Well, so much for Jehovah,if that's the best he can provide for his people!"
And, this is the point that I tell you that this entire blog is about the very subject of my failing to really listen to the points that Jehovah made, especially through Jesus, that I should have made better choices and, then, if I still ran out of food, I should have thrown my anxious burden on Jehovah and trusted him.
You see, I did not give him either a reason or a chance to provide. So, this is my failure.
I am going to use this blog to explore the ways to simplify my life and learn to trust in Jehovah. There will probably be other things,too; but, these are my main goals.
That is all, for now.
I am baptized as one of Jehovah's Witnesses. I know rather a lot about Jehovah God, Jesus, the Bible, etc., despite my poor memory. Yet, since I was baptized (at the beginning of July), I have learned that there is so much I still do not really know. To wit, I thought I was putting a lot more trust in Jehovah than I was.
When I realized I was wrong about this, I also realized that I have to learn how to trust. And, the only way to learn how is to do.
Let me tell you the specifics of this particular realization. Let's start out with some scriptures.
Matthew 13:22 As for the one sown among the thorns, this is the one hearing the word, but the anxiety of this system of things+and the deceptive power of riches* choke the word, and it*becomes unfruitful.
Proverbs 12: 25 Anxiety in a man’s heart weighs it down, But a good word cheers it up.
Luke 21:34 “But pay attention to yourselves that your hearts never become weighed down with overeating and heavy drinking and anxieties of life, and suddenly that day be instantly upon you 35 as a snare.+ For it will come upon all those dwelling on the face of the whole earth. 36 Keep awake, then, all the time making supplication+ that you may succeed in escaping all these things that must occur and in standing before the Son of man.”
And, most importantly,for the subject at hand:
Matthew 6:25 “On this account I say to you: Stop being anxious about your lives as to what you will eat or what you will drink, or about your bodies as to what you will wear. Does not life mean more than food and the body than clothing? 26 Observe intently the birds of heaven; they do not sow seed or reap or gather into storehouses, yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not worth more than they are? 27 Who of you by being anxious can add one cubit to his life span? 28 Also, why are you anxious about clothing? Take a lesson from the lilies of the field, how they grow; they do not toil, nor do they spin; 29 but I tell you that not even Solʹo·mon in all his glory was arrayed as one of these. 30 Now if this is how God clothes the vegetation of the field that is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will he not much rather clothe you, you with little faith? 31 So never be anxious and say, ‘What are we to eat?’ or, ‘What are we to drink?’ or, ‘What are we to wear?’ 32 For all these are the things the nations are eagerly pursuing. Your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things. 33 “Keep on, then, seeking first the Kingdom and his righteousness, and all these other things will be added to you. 34 So never be anxious about the next day, for the next day will have its own anxieties. Each day has enough of its own troubles.
Well, I have, at least at times, been really trying to follow this advice. I cut down quite a bit on all sorts of anxiety and put more trust in Jehovah. But, I found that when it comes to the worrying about what I am to eat, I fail miserably on not being anxious.
I have a lot of allergies. I am also quite poor. Besides these, I have quite a few health problems. Funnily enough, mostly from chronic symptoms due to lifelong, continual bouts of extreme stress. Due to all of this, I have quite a bit of trouble in not being anxious.
But, that is not an excuse for the way in which I have been anxious. Because, there are three kinds of anxiety I have been engaging in, which could be easily avoided by turning to Jehovah and throwing my anxiety upon him, which are not alleviated, because, I don't really do that, at least not correctly/thoroughly.
Psalm 55: 22 Throw your burden on Jehovah And he will sustain you Never will he allow the righteous one to fall.
The three ways I fail to do this, with regard to eating are:
1) Feeling left out of fun food. You know, when there is a gathering of brothers and sisters that is a potluck, or, a chance to go get some tasty food at a restaurant, or, to get a piece of really quality candy; and,in my case, this almost always involves things I really just shouldn't be eating.
I tend to fail at not being anxious over missing out or in being different because:
a) I really am so poor and I do worry about turning down things and then not having food later, and, having this lack of acceptance of what was freely offered being thrown back in my face, later. Even if that unpleasantness doesn't happen, there is still the going home and having no food, though.
b) I hate making people feel uncomfortable It seems better to make myself uncomfortable than to make them feel bad for having offered things that they now think I am offended by, or not joining in, or, by them having to eat while I sit there.
c)Simple selfishness combined with sadness. I have spent most of my life thinking of others and not being thought of by others, except by way of being considered too poor, ugly, short, fat, Alaskan, or,in some other way undesirable to associate with. I was the youngest child.I almost never got anything and when I did it was usually from the dump or as a worn-out hand-me-down. So,you know,sometimes, I put undue worth on these special treats.
This can also include having any money and living near a store where there are cheap "treats" that seem like a better choice for filling one up than the little bit of healthy food that can be avoided. And, knowing other people want coffee,so, for some reason, drinking it with them, even though - most of the time -I don't even want it for any other reason.
2)Because of my allergies and gut issues, because of my abdomen that didn't shrink near as much as the rest of me when I lost a lot of weight,I tend to obsess over strategies: things to include, things to avoid, supplements, when to eat, food combining, etc. Then, I realize that,while I do need to avoid some things for now (and, I don't necessarily know what all those are), this is like making unclean the things that Jehovah God has made clean. Then,I have a major bout of illness and go crazy, trying to figure out how never to have that happen, all over again.
3)Running out of food. Which is easy to do when one is poor.
Now,all these have some overlap. Quite frankly, if I made better choices,I'd be less likely to run out of food. And, if I didn't run out of food, I would be more likely to make better choices. And, if I made better choices for my own needs, so that I could serve Jehovah better, then, I would not be so influenced by the desires of people who are not Jehovah.
Also, this is a truly sad thing to know, but ... I have some experience with fasting. I have done intermittent fasting for various lengths of time, with and without alleged ketogenic eating. I have done some not entirely voluntary extended fasting, water fasting, dry fasting. I know I can fast. But, I get stuck on, "What should I be doing when the fast is over?" and "But, I don't want to waste the food that is here,which will go bad while I am fasting." or"What will ....eat, when I am fasting?"
All of it is unnecessary anxiety.
Over the last few days, starting this Monday (today is Wednesday) after listening to an inspirational talk on subjects related to what I am speaking of here,I have removed many superfluous things from both my physical and mental life, which had been impinging upon my spiritual progress.
Artwork, writing. Things that mean a lot to other people and are all about self-expression and entertaining and which are held up as worthy pursuits by the world. And, no, I don't mean I quit all of it, altogether. I mean, here I am, writing. But, I threw out all the old material which would have taken countless hours to put to right after all the rude things people did to it,if I ever wanted to make it viable to sell.
During that time, however, I ate the sort of pizza that gets set outside of a nearby not-so-high quality pizza place, due to being slightly burnt or whatever, because, we were almost out of food and my son brought it home.
Now, this is the point where you say, "Well, so much for Jehovah,if that's the best he can provide for his people!"
And, this is the point that I tell you that this entire blog is about the very subject of my failing to really listen to the points that Jehovah made, especially through Jesus, that I should have made better choices and, then, if I still ran out of food, I should have thrown my anxious burden on Jehovah and trusted him.
You see, I did not give him either a reason or a chance to provide. So, this is my failure.
I am going to use this blog to explore the ways to simplify my life and learn to trust in Jehovah. There will probably be other things,too; but, these are my main goals.
That is all, for now.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)