Who am I

 Who am I and who do I want to be? There is no denying the reality of what I have allowed into my life, or what has shaped me as a tsunami shapes the city it invades and the beach it litters with the stolen dead.

I cannot say I am not what I so obviously have inside me, have taken into me. Lovers, growth of children, poisonous cocktails of misery and munchable bits of detris called foodstuff; along with rapists, terrible opinions, sadness, loss.

Yet, there is also memory of self-discovery and even in a broken state of being, there are times when enough has been enough and I do or say a thing and my heart quickens, I become alive and fall in love, because "Ah! There I am, still!"

I do still exist, separate from the mistery, pain and aging. I do exist apart from the disdain and lack of belief . I have loved and been loved, I have done well and with kindness as surely as I fared poorly and had occasion for ill intent toward another.

So, who am I? I am a girl who wants to travel the world, book in hand. I am a writer, a rock star, a builder of mud huts and a garden-seeking meditation technician. I am my interests and my loves.

I am a monk on a horse, restraining from flailing you because God exists. I am an innocent child on her knees in heartfelt prayer. A commander and chief, a housewife, a bard.

I am where I take me and what I make me. I am the clay for the potter, because, I have given myself into His hands.

I am the sum of my existence, with the minuses caused by exemption from sin for repentance.

Who do I want to be? I want to be the person who has mastery over this intellect, who can wabi sabi this broken being. I want to be me, made perfect in weakness.

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