There were times in my life when things were so bad .. multi-level bad - that I felt paralyzed from being so hemmed in. There was nothing that I could see to do, be, say, ask for, pray about or in any other way move toward that wasn't blocked off from someone, something, or, some circumstance.
All I could do is sit, try to pray, and, write in my notebook, over and over, "stop being anxious", or, for variety, sometimes, I would make it, "don't be anxious". Sufficient for each day is its own badness, for sure. Sometimes, that days badness is good enough to last a lifetime, and, it is connected to yesterday's badness, last week's badness, and, one can see a revisit from last month's badness on the horizon, with badness in some new form thrown in just for good measure. Not to mention how it reflects on and highlights all the badnesses that have come before it. Or, if not all, the major events that mash together in one's mind to make it a "bad life".
Q. What's your problem? A. Life. <--- I've had that conversation. Guess what I was often told. Go on! Guess!
Was it, A) I'm not sure what that means, but, would you like to talk about it? B) Everyone has bad things happen to them. You're just a whiner. C) You must be crazy. Everyone knows you had a good life and nothing really had ever happened in your life. D) You are just overly sensitive E) Oh, I know all about that. Let me tell you what happened to me! or F) Why don't you do something to fix it? (topped by advice that can't possibly be followed) ?
One thing for sure, it was never A).
No one really knows me much at all. Some people know some parts of me very well. Primarily, because, my life has been insanely weird and hard, and, no one wants to know that. They do not want to believe that. It would be easier to believe I am mentally unbalanced, lying, overly dramatic, making jokes or just saying things to seek attention. < -- All true, by worldly standards. Thanks to the fog of Fibromyalgia, it's often even true of myself.
Enter Jehovah, by way of Jesus and his bringing up that sufficient for each day is its own badness and the command - not random lacklustre advice, but, actual command - to stop being anxious. In Luke chapter 22, he gives this command at least twice, during quite a bit of talk as to why we should not be anxious.
However, Jehovah's spirit did not only speak to us through Jesus as King or as the man who would be king. There were others. I mean, even what we know about that Jesus said was written down by another man that was inspired by Jehovah God. So, this command to stop being anxious is the part of the Bible that I happen to think of most during bad and stressful times, but, not the only time we are told not to be anxious.
In Isaiah 41:10 Jehovah God says not to be anxious, couched in a promise. There is a beautiful article, Do Not Be Anxious, For I Am Your God, which examines this promise and helps one to understand it more fully.
Sometimes, this is all that helped me. No human ear could listen , there was no eartlhy comfort. There was no praying and finding comfort in that, because, I was so wracked with loneliness, oppression, actual fear for my life, self-loathing, or, whatever was going on - maybe all of them, on some days - that I couldn't even still my mind enough to connect to Jehovah God in that way. Not even my human ear could listen, as it wasn't going to hear anything helpful that would get it and th rest of me out of that situation.
So, I wrote "stop being anxious" or some facsimile thereof, and, I cried, usually, and made false starts on prayers, and, wrote it some more, until, at least, I could pray for help in not being anxious.
Sometimes, that's all we have.
Good thing Jehovah gave us a book and a few million people who like to go around talking about it, reading it outloud to others and such as that, then. Even when those imperfect people are part of the problem, they can still be part of the solution. If one listens to good advice, when one has it.
It would be nice to have someone human and who loves Jehovah God to sit down with and discuss the madness of my life. It would help me to feel more a part of their society. But, I am not the first of Jehovah's servants who was misunderstood, even by rather good persons, or, whom was surrounded by weirdness and insanity and strife. Therefore, I am also not the first to discover that , however often it is disappointing to have no real companions of the human variety to connect with on a deep level, where they know you and accept you anyway and expect good for and from you, it doesn't really matter in the long run.
Because, this is not the long run. This is the short run and in this short run, which is almost over, Jehovah God knows those who allow him to do so. Jehovah God is the long run. He and his purpose and those who choose to dwell within that purpose, so to speak.
He knows me. He is my friend. Eventually, everyone alive will be known by him, fully and deeply and voluntarily. Within that long run, once all the chips, cracks and deep distresses are fixed in our psyches, there will be friends of the human type.
I know this is true. I have had plenty of proof in my life that the Bible contains the truth, and, the Bible says there will be no more sorrow. Jehovah will wipe out every tear from our eyes. No more suffering. Well, what do you think loneliness is? Or, what is it to remember the fetid past, whether it is something awful done by or to us?
When the world acts the way the world so often does and a new badness comes sweeping in, an old badness lurches back into view, or, they just lurk in the recesses of my mind and I look around to find no one with which to share my anxiety, thanks to the Holy Scripures and those who try to live by them, I know the best thing to do is through the anxiety out and search for the One not seen.
It's just that on some days, much like scraping the contents of a plate into the trash , old things stick more and it takes a lot of effort to get rid of them or there is a lot to remove that is fresh and needs a bit more planning on how to remove it.
Either way, living water is bound to get the dirt off.
The end.
