Jack stumbled down the street, his eyes heavy and unfocused, a drug-induced misstep here, a drunken stumble there. He had already spent the entirety of his night in the shadows, making money through hustling, gambling, and all the other vices of the street he was made to call home. Life on the street seemed to stretch out forever, forward and backward, as if he had always been there and it would never end.
He would think to himself, "Just do your time." or "Just doing my time." as if he were in a prison, with no choice but to endure whatever transpired there.
When he was able to consider it in his more sober moments, though, he knew he had only been so firmly entrenched in this seedy part of the world a few short years.
Jack had been an unwanted child, the product of his mother's single night of indiscretion, a rebellion against her own parents who filled her life up with rules and hatred of all who were not like them.
His mother was a lly white princess type, who grew up spoiled and rebellious. His father was a black man. That's all he knew about that.
After she found out she was pregnant and confessed how it happened to her parents, Ingrid, aka: Jack's mother, had been married off to a man who accepted her for her beauty and the connections gained through her family.
Accepting Jack was a different matter altogether. Thom kept his bargain and pretended Jack was his child, once he saw he looked white.
That was the plan. If Jack looked white, he would be kept and raised as white, as the son of Thom and Ingrid, two fine (fake) upstanding parents who fell in love and had a whirlwind romance that resulted in a baby being born in the first year of their marriage.
If he did not look white, he would have been shuttled off to some orphanage or otherwise adopted out of the family, and Ingrid and Thom would remain married.
Thom had really been hoping for the latter. It would have given him leverage over his wife and her family, while divesting himself of an unwanted brat that was no part of him. Unfortunately for them all, that was not how it happened, and he made Jack and Ingrid feel his disappointment that Jack was a permanent part of his life every day, in every way he could.
When Jack was a kid, he was a real punk, full of rage, desperate to fit in to a world of similarly angry people that he thought would accept him.
Over time he learned better. Angry people don't see those like themselves and get cheerful. Not usually, anyway. They just get sneakier about venting their anger so that they have someone to use for a while.
He learned the hard way that there were no friends, no family and no love on the streets. Everyone proffered trust with one hand but held a cudgel behind their back with the other, waiting for the idiot who believed them to get close enough to brain.
He learned to be sneaky, cruel, efficient and dangerous. Respect was never going to be given, but it could be earned or forced.
He grew into a man with no home, but by choice instead of being the victim of a man who kept taking his home away from him, every day, at 5 p.m. when that man returned to his home from work.
Jack had never belonged there. Nor did he ever belong anywhere else when he was still trying to live in that piece of the world.
Thom had hinted that there was a dark secret about Jack that made him unfit to be a real son. That's how he said it, too. "Boy, there is a dark secret when it comes to you."
Eventualy, he made Ingrid tell Jack the truth. In a weird way, it made him feel better. He hated Thom and learning that he was not the son of this terrible man made him feel more able to cope with Thom's taunts and sudden violent rages against his place in society.
Now, he understood why Thom was mad. He'd made a bad choice and was stuck with it.
Jack paused in his drunken ramble down the sidewalk and considered that thought. "Maybe Thom wasn't the only one." he thought.
Jack had gone back to school, with this new knowledge of how he came into existence burning inside him. He thought he would just go on as before, but he quickly realized he had been changed by a few short sentences that redefined his existence.
Now, when his thuggish friends cracked wise to a person of African descent, using a slur, he didn't see it as a good strategy for starting a fight and maybe gaining a wallet. He saw it as something that could happen to him, if they knew what he was. Or, potentially, something that was happening to his brother, his uncle or his real father.
He didn't fit in with the school bullies anymore and, even though they didn't understand the reason behind it, they felt the change.
Then, Jack was a loner. He wasn't someone who could just walk over to the table with the few black kids at it and say "I am one of you." He didn't look like them and he had already beaten most of them up. Yet, he did not fit in with the white kids, anymore. Not unless he wanted to live a lie.
He started spending more time away from school. Sure, that caused more problem at home, but so what? There was always going to be a problem at home, every evening. It may as well, sometimes, be of a new variation.
Jack would pretend he was going to school, or sometimes he would make it to school and attend some of it before slipping out, and then he'd be on the streets for the rest of the day.
The streets had been the only place he felt like he belonged. To survive on the streets was not a matter of belonging to or with anyone. It was all about learning skills and keeping vigilant. Which, for a long time, he had been so good at. But now, here he was, a mess of a man, addicted to drugs and alcohol, down on his luck.
He had met a girl and relaxed his vigilance. They had some good times together. With her, there was something besides getting one over on another person. There had been a connection, a need to be with this person.
Then, she told him she was pregnant and they needed to get out of this life they were living. Jack did his best to talk her into getting an abortion.
It wasn't that he hated the idea of having a son and getting clean. It was that he hated the idea of losing his girl when he had to tell her the truth of what he was. Up until then he hadn't thought about it and she had never asked for particulars about his past.
She cursed at him wildly and walked out the door. That was the last he had seen her.
"No." he reminded himself. "There was once more." It was the last time he saw her for real, but it was also the thing in his life that he wanted the most never to have happened.
He saw her coming out of a clinic. She had tears in her eyes and when she saw him she began to visibly shake and started slipping downard.
Jack caught her before she hit the ground and held her close to him, until she regained her senses and began struggling to get free.
"You don't get to do that anymore!" she yelled. "It's over. It'd done. You got what you wanted. You're not a father, anymore. Get moving!"
She pushed him hard, as she yelled the last words. Her face was a terror. He'd never seen her mad before and this was primal rage.
"There is nothing here for you now." she said, smooething her dress over her belly. "I am not your girl, anywmore. I have more important things to do than you."
Then, she stepped past him and kept walking. He could do more than turn and watch her leave. He wanted to call out to her, to beg her to come back to him, but he knew he had no right.
They had been together. They had been going to be parents. Now, they were nothing. "And, we can't be nothing together." he told himself. "To be nothing, you have to be alone."
It had been years since that last meeting. Long stretches of days, wherein he dulled his pain anyway he could. He fell into every sort of vie available, except the sexual ones. The last time he'd done that had been when he met her and he knew better than to try that again!
"No. I will die young and leave a beautiful corpse, if I can." Jack told himself, "But, I don't want to leave anymore corpses behind. Especially not ones I made die, that were younger than me."
Now, here he was, having drifted through a long, drawn out haze of seeking waking death. Having come from being a man filled with rage, to a man filled with love and now back to rage, but this time all focused inward.
And yet, despite the darkness he
felt enveloping him, Jack had a sudden thought. He stopped in his tracks, considered the thought, and then shook his head and continued on his way.
His way turned a corner That was not where he had meant to go. For a few feet, he stumbled along, not noticing before stopping and looking around himself in confusion. This was not the way to the bar or his favorite dealer!
He wanted to turn back and refind his path that led him to his usual comforts. Instead, as if he was being pushed by a very calm nurse- that's the only way he could think of how it felt- he continued on down this street, until he felt tne need to turn again.
He lost track of how many street, how many turns. All Jack knew was that for some reason something wanted him to go this way and that, and it was the closest to being wanted he had felt in his life, not only since his girl left him but even with her. He stopped fighting it and let it just happen.
That's how he found himself running until he landed- that's how he felt, almost like he was tossed into place- in a parking lot outside a small building.
He was unfamiliar with the area, but he knew the building for what it was. Even though he was not on the right side of it for reading the name, he knew there would be a blue square with some letters in it and the words, somewhere: Kingdom Hall of Jehovah's Witnesses.
He was drawn to the building, as if he had no other choice but to go inside. Traversing the length of the wall before him, he turned a corner and saw a door just swinging closed. Right before it shut, he saw a swish of red cloth, which he knew must be the skirt of the sort of woman who attended meetings here.
Swallowing his hesitation,he stepped up to the door, pulled it open and stepped inside.
The inside of the building was surprisingly bright. A man stood near the entrance, dressed in a crisp suit. He looked up at Jack and smiled.
"You look like you've been having a rough time." he said. "Do you know where you are?"
"I think so. This is a Kingdom Hall, right?"
"Yes. Have you been to one before?"
"No. I ... I don't know why I'm here. I just felt like I had to come."
"Maybe Lydia sent you."
"What?"
"I'm sorry. That's a bad joke. My wife is always telling me that my jokes are terrible. Never mind. You are here. Do you want to stay?"
"I think so."
"Okay. Well, don't take offense but you look like a hot mess. Let me show you where the bathroom is and you can do a quick washing at the basin. It'll make you feel more comfortable."
By the time Jack had quickly washed his face and pits, as he listened to the man shooing away others, telling them it would just be a few minutes, he was questioning the sanity of all that was taking place.
"What am I doing here? And, why am I washing in a public bathroom just to stay? What is going on?"
In came the man who had greeted him at the door. Behind him, several other men were gathered and passing him things.
"Here's some cleaning cloths you can dry yourself with. "he announced. Then, "And, here's a shirt I had in my car. It might be a little big." Also, here's a jacket that brother Frolic says doesn't fit him that he brought to hopefully give to someone tonight. It looks about your size."
"Brother Frolic?" Jack asked in surprise."Is that a nickname?"
"N-", the man started speaking but broke out into a fit of laughter. "No, no! Frolic is really his last name. It doesn't suit him. He's a very studious, rather stern with himself kind of a man. We like to tease him that it is an order."
"An order?"
"Yes. You know, instead of a name. Brother frolic! Because, he's so serious! Like, Jehovah is telling him to lighten up and have some fun."
"Ah! Okay." said Jack, in a way that made it clear he didn't understand and it wasn't okay.
"Oh dear! My wife does tell me my jokes are bad, but I thought she might be wrong about that until tonight." said the man, staring into Jack's eyes.
"Oh .. hey! I didn't mean anythi..." Jack started to reply, cursing himself inwardly. Here he was, clean and somewhat comfortable and talking to a man who seemed not to want anything terrible from him or to be done to him and he was blowing it.
The man burst out laughing again, slapping Jack on the shoulder. "I was just joking with you!" he exclaimed.
"I'm going to need to meet your wife." replied Jack. "What's your name, anyway?"
"I'm brother Balderdash!"
"Is that another joke?"
"Yes."
As things were handed to him, Jack did what needed to be done with each. Looking in the mirror after, he saw something like a respectable human being. A little rough around the edges, especially on his chin, but so much different than he had ever looked before.
"I don't know about all of this." he told the man. "I've never dressed like this before. I feel like I don't belong here."
"Well, son, no one does until they do." the man told him, laughing hardily. "Please at least come sit and see if you can enjoy the meeting. "
Jack stepped out of the bathroom, unsure of what to do. The first thing he noticed is what had been a quiet room with a few people in it was now a place filled to the brim with color and sound, as a crowd milled about, hugging and kissing and sharing greetings.
Then, they came for him. One person after another with a hello, a hug, a handshake, words that expressed delight at his coming for a visit.
He had never been in a place like this before, and he wasn't sure what to say. Finally, he gathered the courage to speak.
Answering an eldery lady's query as to what brought him here, today, he replied, "I, uh, I don't know," he said, his voice barely above a whisper. "I was just walking by and I stopped in. I'm not even sure what I should be.."
She waved her hand at him in a good natured dismissal of his awkward response. "Never mind that. It's quite alright. Why don't you come sit with me and see how we study the Bible together. There'll be a talk first. We have a brother visiting from Topeka! Can you believe it?"
Jack could not believe it. Who gets excited about Topeka? Or anyone from there? He didn't reply, though. No chance or need. She swept her arm around his and forcibly let him guide her to their seats.
"Scoot over one, will you Mildred?" she asked. "I have a young man with me today."
Jack smiled at Mildred and sat where he was told. He felt like panicking, like leaving but he also felt that same calm push to do something else than what he thought he wanted. So, he just sat and listened.
As he did so, his mind was whirling with thoughts. He had always been so sure of the things he believed, so confident in his street culture. But suddenly, here he was, in a place of faith, learning about a world he had never known.
For the next few months, Jack studied the Bible with the man he met that first night, who eventually admitted to having a last name.
"It's Nelson." he told Jack. "But, how could I tell you I had such a do-nothing name as Nelson, when you were already so intrigued by brother Frolic?"
Reading and learning and questioning, Jack grew in knowledge, confidence and something else he couldn't define. Since he didn't know what to call it, he simply thought of it as "Becoming more real."
He had never considered a life of faith before, but now, it was the only thing he wanted.
Well, the only thing he wanted except for what he now felt himself reaching out for in his thoughts, in his body, as if an invisible string tied him to something outside himself. Someone. "Someones." he corrected his thought, outloud.
"What's that?" brother Nelson asked, nudging Jack iin the ribs. "Someone's what?"
"Not someone's anything. Someones as in more than one someone. You see, before we met I was .. Well, you know what I was, more or less."
"Yes. I do. "
Jack looked at the man next to him, who, in his own quiet way, was a continual source of surprises. "And, you are okay with that? No shame of sitting next to a man who had been .. like that?"
"No shame at all. You know what the Bible says. "And, yet that is what some of you were." Probably about more things than you've been, too. Am I right?"
"Yes, but .."
"Jack. You don't know what I've been.
"What? But, you're a minister. What was it you said? An ambassador for a kingdom not of this world. What is there to know besides that?"
"Exactly. And, you are am ambassador in training. What else is there to know besides that?"
Tears started in Jack's eyes and he reached up to dash them away. "Okay."
"Alright." Brother Nelson sat patiently, waiting for the rest.
"Well, before I was what you met, I was something else that was also not good. But, I met a woman who made me feel something different than I ever felt before. And, I don't mean in .. I mean, I knew what it was to love and be loved. But, I really screwed it up with her. "
"Okay."
"Before that, there was my mom ..I was pretty bad to her. It was a bad life for the both of us." He looked at brother Nelson, who remained in his waiting pattern.
"I quit thinking about Mom a long time ago. I figured she was better off without me and me without her. I never did stop thinking about Helena, the girl I fell in love with. But, she figured she was better off without me and she was right."
"Why was she right, Jack?"
"I made her get an abortion. I made her kill our child because I was afraid. I was such a chicken sh... I was so scared that he'd have a life like mine."
"I see."
"I didn't know my dad. He wouldn't know his grandparents on either side. I couldn't even tell her the truth about me. "
"What truth, Jack?"
"That my father is black."
"Oh."
"Oh? Just oh?"
"Yes. Just oh. I guess that must have been pretty important in your life."
"Well, yeah... " Jack turned to look at brother Nelson, anger flaring. "This is a bad time for a joke!" he barked.
"I'm not joking, Jack. I can see it means something to you. It just doesn't mean anything to me. I wasn't a part of whatever life you were leading that made that important."
"So, you'd have no problem finding out you're half black?"
"I'd certainly be surprised, since my parents told me that they were married for 5 years before they got pregnant with me. I would want an explanation. But, otherwise, no. I'd still be me."
"But, where would you fit in?" he cried out, letting his tears flow, no longer attempting to hide them.
"Right here. With Jehovah." brother Nelson replied, opening up his arms to catch his sobbing friend.
Finally, after months of study, Jack was officially baptized. He was now a truly one of Jehovah's Witnesses, an example of redemption and faith.
"Now," said sister Quinby, the elderly lady who had practically kidnapped him at the first meeting he attended, "things are going to get weird."
Even though he was greeted as a new brother and hugged to his full limit by mostly everyone in his congregation and several people he'd never seen before, and he had much reason for happiness in his new lifestyle, Jack learned the truth of sister Quinby's words.
His newfound way of life did not come without opposition. As he was out in the ministry, he ran into former acquaintances from his previous life on the streets. Some were at the door he knocked on, but most saw him passing by or heard his voice and recognized him.
He was not doing well with these people. They rejected him for betraying the life he used to lead, or for finding something better and not sharing it with them by giving them a few dollars for a rock or a bottle None of them could find anything in him to relate to, anymore.
This was a great pain to Jack. He didn't want to belong in that lifestyle, anymore. He knew where he actually did belong now. Still, to have spent so much time with people and be nothing to them just because he wanted to live differently, was a great source of sadness.
"I guess they never really cared for me. " he told brother Nelson. "And, it surprised me to find that I actually did care for them."
"Oh, they probably did care, Jack. If they didn't care they wouldn't feel like you are looking down on them now that you've changed. They would just go on not caring."
"You think?"
"Sure. They don't give me any lip, do they?"
"No, but.."
"Jack, we are both wearing the same kind of clothes, spreading the same good news. They don't expect anything else from me so they accept this is what I am. They knew you when there were other expectations from you. So, they have to get used to the change. Some of them might, some might never. That's not your problem. You just keep doing what you know is right."
Part of his doing what he knew was right was going home to see his Mom. This was easier said than done, as she had moved. Thomas was still there, but now he was unemployed, drunk and wore a beer-stained wife beater instead of a well-pressed button down shirt, tie and jacket.
He didn't even blink when he saw Jack. Just laughed and said, "She's not here."
"Where is she?"
"She said young and a quarter of uknown is better than old, and all day the same boring, and she left."
"What does that mean?"
"She's gone."
"Yeah, but what does. . never mind! Do you know where she moved to?"
"No clue."
"No phone number? No forwarding address?"
"Do I look like a post office to you?"
Jack refrained from telling Thom what he looked like.
"What are you doing dressed like that, anyway? Big man with a big job now, are you?" demanded Thom, flipping Jack's tie about.
"No. Well, not a big man. A small, humble servant, but, yeah, the job's pretty big."
"Tell me about it!"
"Put the beer down and I will."
Thom looked Jack in the eye, thinking about punching him. Jack looked Thom in the eye with calm certainty.
Thom put the beer down. "Okay. Let's hear all about your big job, little man."
After months of perseverance, which included finding Thom someone who lived closer and had less bad history with him to study with, Jack was able to go out door-to-door with confidence.
He had signed up for the school that was held on Thursday evenings, where he practiced giving talks, demonstrating how to go out in service, reading the Bible and also learned from others who were also signed up for the school.
He hadn't been much of a reader, not having paid attenton to anything in school that wasn't about making mischief, after the third grade, but he found a desire to learn was in him and he was learning fast.
He hit the streets that he used to run rampant in, with determined zeal to spread the good news of the kingdom to all who would listen.
Unlike some of his brothers and sisters, he was not afraid to step off the sidewalk and walk boldly into a darkened corner in an alleyway, to speak to a former acquaintance who skulked there.
Sure, it ocassionally led to physical altercations, which were mostly about him ducking punches and backing away quickly. Yet, it also led to occasional surprises of finding that person sitting in a seat when he entered the Kingdom Hall.
One day, while out in the ministry, he knocked on a door that was painted a raspberry red, which was particularly noticeable as all the other doors in the building were tan.
Jack found himself reluctant to knock; scared, even. Helena's favorite color was raspberry red. She always said when she finally had a home, she would paint the door that color.
He wanted to run, to flee and never look back. In his mind, outside of the fear, there was an amusement at this circumstance. Usually, he knew, when a Jehovah's Witness was at the door it was the people inside who felt this way.
Even though he wanted to be away from here, there was this push again, like the one that led him to the Kingdom Hall that one night when his life was forever changed.
He sighed. Then he knocked.
Brother Nelson eyed his friend, wondering what was going through his mind. He could feel the tension, the fear and then the sudden acceptance.
Obviously, something that meant a lot to Jack was happening, but he didnt' know what and this was not the time and place to start asking.
"Brother Helman?" he started, intending just to give a quick word of encouragement. Before he could get another word out, the door opened and a surprise shock of red hair threw itself at Jack. Or, so it seemed to brother Nelson.
In reality, a young lady was attached to the hair and she flung herself at him and wrapped her arms around him, with a look of surprise dancing merrily in her sparkling brown eyes.
"I knew it was you!" she exclaimed. "But, what ... Oh Jack!" She stepped back, dropping him out of her arms and turning pale.
"Great!" thought Jack. "I haven't been back in her life but a hot second and she's already falling apart again."
"I'm sorry." he told her. "I didn't know. I just ..."
"But, I painted the door to make it easier for you to find me."
"What? Why? I mean.."
"Well, when you pray about something happening, something good, then you have to act like it's going to. But, this ... " she waved her hand up and down, indicating the way he was dressed, who he was with, all of it. "I didn't expect this!"
"Yeah. Oh, yeah.."
"Well, sister Sparling!" brother Nelson called out, finally getting his bearings. "I didn't know you were living over here, now!" Then, he leaned in and gave Helena a hug.
"Sister .. what?" It was Jack's turn to turn pale and shake. "What.. what's going on here?"
"Oh, sorry. I assumed you knew each other, with the way .. I .. This feels most irregular. Well, set that aside for now, but we have to talk later. This is sister Sparling, Jack. She used to be in our congregation. Came into the truth sort of the way you did, just wandering in one night, I mean. I .. uhm ..
I can't really go into the details, you understand, as to how things were the same or differed. That's for you to both tell or not. I just mean she came in and took to it rather quickly and was a part of the congregation for about two years, before she moved away."
"Yes, Jack and I do know each other. In fact, I know him better now than I ever did when we were together." said sister Sparling.
"Helena, I .. what? What do you mean you know me better?"
"Jack, come inside."
"Well, now, I am not sure this is at all appropriate." said brother Nelson. "I mean, I am a little unsteady as to what is happening."
"Oh, that's okay, brother Nelson. We all are. Don't worry. No one will do anything inappropriate. I just want Jack to meet his other spiritual sister."
She took Jack by the hand and led him inide. "You have met her before. THis is Ingrid. Or, sister Helman, as shei s called now."
There sat Jack's mom on a yellow print tuftedsofa. On her lap was a gray eyed child with reddish blonde hair, who was busy trying to divest the couch of one of its buttons.
"Mom?" Jack whispered, unable to find breath for more. He shook his head, to clear it. "Mom! I went to visit you, some time ago, but Thom said you left. What are you doing here with ..?"
"Oh, we've known each other quite some while now. I met sister Sparling at the clinic where I was working as a receptionist, when she was coming for prenatal exams."
She smiled down at the baby. "That means when you were still in Mommy's tummy!" she cooed, chucking him under the chin.
"I didnt' know right away, but, I saw the first picture of my grandson, via sonogram, the same day Helena saw the first one of her son."
Jack's knees collapsed. Brother Nelson hurried to him. "Are you all right? Brother .. Jack.. " he called out, looking from person to person, wondering how long his knees would hold out.
"Helena invited me to study. Then, later, she invited me to live with ehr and help her raise her son, once we knew that ... what this was."
"You see, Jack.." Helena continued the story, "I had been praying for my son to have a family and then I met Ingrid. We learned my prayer had been answered. And, well .."
Ingrid took over. "We liked the results so well, we kept praying for you. And, even for that dratted Thom. I mean, as much as he was terrible, he was also just a young person caught up in a plan made by our parents and he at least started out with good intentions. Not like me. So, I prayed for you both. And, of course, for this child to have a family."
"I see."
"I hope you do. Truly. I hope you can forgive me and even forgive Thom.."
"Mom, Thom has been brother Helman, too, for a while now."
"What?"
"I went to look for you and you weren't there. We talked and .. yeah, he's brother Helman, too."
"Well .. " Ingrid now turned pale and shook, except for her cheeks, which turned decidedly red. "I better go see him and see what else he is, now."
"What does that mean?" asked brother Nelson.
"It means, I never filed divorce papers and never got notice that he did. He might still be my husband."
"Let's call and find out. Do you remember the number?" Helena asked, practically in a squeal.
"Yes, of course."
A short phone conversation ensued, which left everyone feeling spent, disoriented, except for the baby, who had his prize button and was only wondering how come with all these adults around, no one had tried to stop him.
"Okay, then." Ingrid said, after she hung up the phone. "Let's get in the car. It's time Grandpa Thom got to see your son, Jack."
"And, then what?" Jack asked.
"Then, he'll have a family. Are you okay with this? Didn't you forgive Thom, really?"
"Oh yes, I forgave him. It's just that .."
"Yes? "
"I want him to know all his grandparents and the rest of his family, if it can be done. Keep praying and I'll add mine to it. Somewhere out there, there is a man I never met who I hope will love my son, too. "
"If it is Jehovah's will, it will happen. Lead us Jack, and let us pray."
Life progressed for the family from that point, in good ways and bad, as life tends to happen when it is surrounded by an old, wicked world. There were additions met with gladness and substractions met with sorrow, but also with hope for the future.
Brother Nelson's life became, more and more often, standing at the door, vying against life and time for the opportunity to do so. As he stood there, he would invite a younger brother to join in and tell him something like, "Just watch and wait. You never know what might happen when a door is opened."
